75% Agree this poster is RIGHT | 491 Views
Should a loved one do as you ask when you have a very serious request?
Posted By: PaPaBear
Category: Relationship Issue
FIGHT DETAIL
I have been with this person for about 25 years. I have explained to him that "Please" and "Thank you" are very important tome. He on the other hand was not taught to use these words. "Would you like a sandwich?" "No" would be his answer.
I feel that when someone offers a favor that they deserve some respect in the offering. "Hand that hammer to me!" I would prefer "Would you please hand that hammer to me?" I guess we could go around and around about the polite part but I have asked him to please be respectful to me.
I have also been very frightened about crashes on the passenger side of the car when driving. About 14 years ago, he made a slow left turn and the vehicle coming towards us, hit us on the passenger side. This really only comes up when driving ona freeway when cars are entering into the highway we are traveling. More than once, I have almost been killed by people on the cell phone or just not looking as they are entering the highway. I have asked him to please move over one more lane when entering traffic is coming into our path. This has been a subject on scores of occasions but yet if we were driving tonight, I would still have to cringe when the cars are entering the into our lane from the entry ramp.
It is just these two issues. It almost seems like he really doesn't care one way or the other. I would like for him to honor my wishes on these two issues. Am I wrong?
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WRONG
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The question asked is right, but the issue is not serious.
Posted By: K
Explain My Vote
First of all remember that these are my opinions, so they aren't be right or wrong, so don't argue about whether I'm correct or not.
Saying "thank you" and "please" are NOT serious! If you think that's a serious issue I would suggest you try to get an appointment with a marriage counselor. You might be laughed at...no offense. I was forced to go to a counselor once by my wife. I was the asking her for a divorce and she wanted to try counseling first, and I agreed. When she talked about stuff like this (manners and habits) the counselor basically told her to grow up. One thing I remember was that she tried to accused me of emotional abuse. Yes, I know, that's a bit more severe than "please" & "thank you", but let me continue. The three examples she gave were very similar in nature to yours (this was 7 years ago, so I don't remember specifics). He literally said "Trust me, that is not even in the same ballpark as emotional abuse". And moved on to the next topic.
OK, now that you know I think that please & thank you are trivial, on with the details. Oh yes, and I must tell you, I almost always say please and thank you. It's very rare that I don't and I also agree it's common courtesy.
Have you heard the saying "You can't teach an old dog new tricks?" You have already given him permission to not say "thank you" or "please" by allowing him to neglect it for so long. It's WAY too late too start nagging about them now. However, if you wanted him to start using those then just don't respond to him when he doesn't use "please" (there are exceptions*) and if he skips "thank you" then tell him you will not help him out with that task the next time he asks unless he says it then and there. If you get into fights over something this trivial you both should seek out counseling separately as well as a couple.
* If someone is bleeding to death and he yells "get me a towel now" you better not stop and make him say please! *laugh*
As for the driving; if you are scared for your life when he drives then you should drive when you're together. If he insists on driving then refuse to go with him. If he's in the slow lane coming up on an entrance ramp and he doesn't want to move over that is his right as the driver. There is no law that says you have to move over, however, there is a law that says a vehicle entering a highway must yield on an entrance ramp (barring any other traffic signals, devices, signs or emergency workers). And by the way, you will NOT be killed by a vehicle merging into you from an entrance ramp. The velocity of the car in your direction is only a few feet per second. Also keep in mind that the force exerted on your car will be the same no matter what your speedometer says. The only thing that will change is how far your car is pushed. Assuming vehicles of equal size, a hard side swipe might push your car a few feet if you're not expecting it.
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WRONG
flag post
The question asked is right, but the issue is not serious.
Posted By: K
Explain My Vote
First of all remember that these are my opinions, so they aren't be right or wrong, so don't argue about whether I'm correct or not.
Saying "thank you" and "please" are NOT serious! If you think that's a serious issue I would suggest you try to get an appointment with a marriage counselor. You might be laughed at...no offense. I was forced to go to a counselor once by my wife. I was the asking her for a divorce and she wanted to try counseling first, and I agreed. When she talked about stuff like this (manners and habits) the counselor basically told her to grow up. One thing I remember was that she tried to accused me of emotional abuse. Yes, I know, that's a bit more severe than "please" & "thank you", but let me continue. The three examples she gave were very similar in nature to yours (this was 7 years ago, so I don't remember specifics). He literally said "Trust me, that is not even in the same ballpark as emotional abuse". And moved on to the next topic.
OK, now that you know I think that please & thank you are trivial, on with the details. Oh yes, and I must tell you, I almost always say please and thank you. It's very rare that I don't and I also agree it's common courtesy.
Have you heard the saying "You can't teach an old dog new tricks?" You have already given him permission to not say "thank you" or "please" by allowing him to neglect it for so long. It's WAY too late too start nagging about them now. However, if you wanted him to start using those then just don't respond to him when he doesn't use "please" (there are exceptions*) and if he skips "thank you" then tell him you will not help him out with that task the next time he asks unless he says it then and there. If you get into fights over something this trivial you both should seek out counseling separately as well as a couple.
* If someone is bleeding to death and he yells "get me a towel now" you better not stop and make him say please! *laugh*
As for the driving; if you are scared for your life when he drives then you should drive when you're together. If he insists on driving then refuse to go with him. If he's in the slow lane coming up on an entrance ramp and he doesn't want to move over that is his right as the driver. There is no law that says you have to move over, however, there is a law that says a vehicle entering a highway must yield on an entrance ramp (barring any other traffic signals, devices, signs or emergency workers). And by the way, you will NOT be killed by a vehicle merging into you from an entrance ramp. The velocity of the car in your direction is only a few feet per second. Also keep in mind that the force exerted on your car will be the same no matter what your speedometer says. The only thing that will change is how far your car is pushed. Assuming vehicles of equal size, a hard side swipe might push your car a few feet if you're not expecting it.
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RIGHT
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Right and wrong
Posted By: Ishy
Explain My Vote
You are right that he seems to lack common courtesy but you've decided to stay with him for so long and without any consequences so he probably doesn't feel he has an incentive to change. Maybe there are things about you that bug him equally, whether he has expressed it or not. You are probably not going to change him so you'll need to decide if you love him enough to live with this for the rest of your life or if it's time to move on.
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RIGHT
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you are right
Posted By: spooky47
Explain My Vote
No Comment
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RIGHT
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John
Posted By: PaPaBear
Explain My Vote
The problem is that I have made the "thank you" an issue for over 15 years. Sometimes I am reminding him that I require this and sometimes there are fights. I just feel that it is a common courtesy to me.
As far as the driving thing, I am afraid that your reply is the next step. I still cringe when we are driving and the cars veer next to us in a race to get into our lane. Oh, and damn me for seeing a car coming close to us and how dare I say" There is a car near us". His response is "I saw it, damn it" My reply, "just trying to be aware and helpful. Better tell you then you not see it and it hits us. Yeah, the next step is to take the wheel of the car.
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RIGHT
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He should respect these requests
Posted By: Doug
Explain My Vote
You're not asking for much - regardless of whether he was brought up to say thank you and please, he should still try. You have a part here too - if he ever does do it, you need to acknowledge it clearly. Not over the top, just acknowledge it.
As for the driving thing, I'm guessing that he sees it as a judgment of his driving ability. Make a point of telling him that it is just this one thing that really scares you, and it's not him you're worried about, it's the idiots not paying attention as they enter the highway.
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RIGHT
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You are right
Posted By: Mark
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I agree
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RIGHT
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I think this is a matter of style
Posted By: John
Explain My Vote
You are right, saying thank you is nice, but some people will just never learn to do this. I would say try asking for this more and more to see if he will take you up on it.
As for the car thing, maybe just take the wheel. That is one sure fire way to make sure you are safe.
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